Yet another dawn...

I was 22 years when I got married. 20 years since I got married. I don't know if there should be an exclamatory mark in the first two sentences.

While reliving my thoughts, can't help but wonder what should be running in his mind? The same jitters?

I really panicked for a moment, just like I do during my birthdays.  I am not going to question myself asking if I had been a good wife to my husband and good mother to my son, as this would make me panic more.

Rather, I tell myself that time is running short and I have spent 40 odd years living everyday with not much difference from one day to another.  When I look back, I see a bespectacled girl; an younger version of me, with eagerness in her eyes to see the world and be different.  I am no different from then, I still am the bespectacled woman (not just myopia it has coupled with defects in both near and far vision resulting in a thick progressive lens), shades of Grey glinting on my hair, thankfully wrinkles yet to appear, but it should be there in a year or two. Have I seen the world?  Not really.

When the day of celebration is barely an hour away, this is what is running in my mind.

The same day 20 years back, decked in a yellow sari later dressed in a maroon madisar pudavai, Suresh held my hands and I with joy, fear, reserve, excitement, stepped in a new door, that led to a brand new life.. There were moments of joy, moments of arguments, moments of distress but we survived and made sure to give space for each other and try not to be too possessive or too emotional.  Even if I had such emotions, I hid them deep inside and smiled.  Probably this saw us through all these years and will see much more years to come. But, did we try to hide something from each other and remained not too honest?

May be I should ask him, if he would want me to be any different and may be I will tell him, the difference I would like to see in him. Maybe we should have a fighting spree (both of us never got angry with each other or yelled at each other all these years). Maybe I should tell him underneath this plain dull woman there is a wild cat screaming her head off.  Maybe I should ask him if there are sheaths he would like to unfurl behind those clipped nails.

With so many maybes I wish us both a very happy wedding anniversary and wishing happiness for many more years to come. And, I know for sure he is undoubtedly greatest person on earth, a very simple man with good thoughts. He has put up with me for 20 years, that's a proof in itself.